1. Save your major worries for after midnight, then start the heavy thinking.

Suggested topics: Poverty in your old age; job loss; that suspicious mole you've had for five years that's growing. A sweat-drenched panic can be achieved by 1:00 a.m. with this method.

2. Keep a complete inventory of your faults.

Concentrate only on your bad points; ignore your strengths. Select as friends only those people considerate enough to remind you of them. If you don't have any friends, you probably have some relatives intimate with your faults who you can count on to point them out .

3. Set wildly unreasonable goals.

No matter how well you're doing, remember: there is always someone else who's doing better. Name three of them, preferably younger (and better looking) than you. Think of the many ways others could do a better job than you.

4. When your kids make a mistake, don't accept it as routine.

Perceive this as the first sign of inevitable moral decay, delinquency and a wasted life (driven by inferior genes, no doubt). Imagine them as lazy bums at age 30, begging to move back home.

5. Do nothing until the last minute.

A great way to create frenzy and chronic stress, no matter how much time you had to begin with.

6. Sleep as little as possible.

A great stress-producer, which keeps you in top form. Add lots of junk food, drink coffee and Jolt Cola, and NEVER exercise if you can possibly avoid it.

7. Never, ever let others know how you feel or what you want.

Hey, you shouldn't have to tell them--if they cared about you, they'd know. Persevere in this, and you should soon gain a feeling of profound deprivation.

8. Don't trust anybody.

Grapple with your own problems, like a REAL man or woman. If you should get the urge to confide in someone who seems to care, remember that people are basically no good and look out for themselves alone.

9. Never take a vacation.

Rest is for wimps. Anyway, it's a luxury you can't afford, especially if you're working up to a state of genuine exhaustion.

10. Live in the past.

Don't let go of all the things you SHOULD have done, but didn't. And don't forget the things you did but SHOULDN'T have. Keep these regrets fresh by reviewing regularly. Phrase them in terms of "Oh, why did I...?" and "If I only hadn't..." Re-running these will take your mind off those pressing matters that others think you should handle now. Like this month's rent.