Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? George Carlin

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we still don't know where she is. Ellen DeGeneris

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. Rita Rudner

I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead. Sue Kolinsky

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. Carol Leifer

I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people. Ed Bluestone

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it. Jackie Gleason

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?" Jay Leno

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise. Roger Simon

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. Dave Edison

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight. George Gobel

Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation rmy instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents. Billiam Coronel

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. Oscar Wilde

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. A. Whitney Brown

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base. Dave Barry

Somebody hits me, I'm going to hit him back. Even if it does look like he hasn't eaten in a while. Charles Barkley, after blatantly elbowing an Angolan basketball opponent in the Olympics.

Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself. Mark Twain

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait. A. Whitney Brown

Maybe there is no actual place called Hell. Maybe Hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches. Jim Carrey

My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim." Paula Poundstone

I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be, but I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals; We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners. Jeff Stilson

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. Sue Murphy

I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else. Lily Tomlin

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: "This looks much better on." On what? On fire? Rita Rudner

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. Jerry Seinfeld

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God... I could be eating a slow learner. Lynda Montgomery

Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic? Lily Tomlin

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end. Jerry Seinfeld

I think that's how Chicago got started: A bunch of people in New York said, "Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go West."