Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Brand.
3. Finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
4. It's funny, but I don't remember being absent minded.
5. All the reports are in, life is now officially unfair.
6. If all is not lost, then where is it?
7. It is easier to get old than it is to get wiser.
8. Some days I’m the dog, some days I’m the hydrant!
9. I wish the buck stopped here, I sure could use a few.
10. I’ve found that kids in the back seat can cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat can also cause kids!!
12. It's hard to make a comeback if you haven't been anywhere
13. Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the good cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
16. I've found its not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth!
18. There's something wrong with new telephones, they do not ring as loud as the older ones did.
19. I still know lots of jokes, but someone has stole the punch lines.
20. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter; I go to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.